Ali Habashi: So, as the mother of multiple children, one of whom has Down syndrome, I can only imagine that you ran into a moment where you burned out and thought to yourself, I need a break. So let’s get into that moment if we can. Share a bit about the genesis for A Mother’s Rest.

Andrea Faris Roberts: Oh, gosh, a moment. You mean many millions of little moments. You know, we did not know that Reese had Down syndrome before he was born, and he was our first child, so we were not prepared in any way for the emotional fallout, I guess, if you will, from that. And of course, looking back now, I can say to people, it’s going to be okay. But I can only say that now because I’m 23 years into the journey.

It’s really hard to narrow down one moment where I was just completely burned out. But at the time that I was inspired to begin A Mother’s Rest, this was in late 2016. He was in middle school and the throes of puberty, and that was an unpleasant combination.

He already has ADHD on top of the Down syndrome, as well as a sensory processing disorder. Other Down syndrome-, and likely autism-moms too, will understand what I mean when I say he was a runner. So he would elope, he would jump out windows, he would run out the street, he would try to walk to my mother’s house three miles away.

He would literally walk out into the middle of the street and sit down in traffic. His Down syndrome was the least of our challenges, so the elopement was what really kept us very separated as a family from other Down syndrome families in the community because it wasn’t the Down syndrome that was the challenge.

It was the behaviors that came along that he particularly had. Not every child was like that. So, when he was in middle school and going into high school is when I just could not do it anymore.

Ali: You started thinking about A Mother’s Rest, and did you figure at the time, well, obviously I can’t be the only one needing this.

Andrea: Yeah, I mean certainly I had been working with Reese’s Rainbow and all of our adoptive families for 10 years on top of my own, at-home personal life challenges and in a way that was very therapeutic for me to be working with families who were choosing this life.

But when I hit my breaking point, I had about 15 minutes where I was like, I just wanna disappear into the woods and never come back out. Not for any reason, not for anybody. I know that there are so many, many, many, many, many, many moms, special needs moms, caregivers who hit that point, and they never want to say it out loud because they don’t want to be judged or shamed for feeling that way.

But I can tell all of you that if you’ve ever felt like that, you’re normal and it’s okay as long as you didn’t just actually disappear. So you could think about it all you want, but so that those feelings that I’m in, a lot are feeling that way.

And I knew that not only did I need that break, my adoptive families needed that break too. To physically remove yourself from your caregiving environment, from home, from the responsibilities of running a household and disappear for three days. And that was kind of the way that that came out.

That’s what’s so key about it. I think that there’s an understanding of what respite means, and that means somebody else is coming in to cover your child or your loved one so that you’ve got enough time to take a shower or to get to the grocery store without having to take them with you.

And in my mind there’s more to respite than just that. And so while A Mother’s Rest does not provide that coverage at this time it’s just as important to be able to remove the moms and the dads and the couples if they’re able to get away from their caregiving environment. Because if they don’t, then you just spend what’s supposed to be decompression time catching up on dishes and laundry and household projects.

No, that’s not, that’s not what I’m talking about. So you need time to actually sleep uninterrupted for three days and be in the company of other people who already understand your life, where you can talk openly about how you are feeling or things that you have thought about, or questions that you’ve got, or fears that you’ve got to people who already know what you’re going through without having to start from scratch for with somebody who’s not going through that.

Ali: So, vanishing for three days. What does a typical retreat sort of look like? How does one start and how does one end?

Andrea: So you show up at the front door and we open the front door and you collapse in a heap of gratitude and can’t believe that you’re there. That I have actually experienced that many times when I was still living in Maryland.

And when we first opened our inn, our first inn, that was the response that I had from many moms that couldn’t believe that they’d actually been able to get away, that they’d actually been able to coordinate everything and that they were actually standing at the door. And it was time for them to let loose and relax.

And I would say that many of them, especially on their first trip, really don’t have any idea how to do that. We don’t know how to sit still and enjoy it. So that’s a learning process, and that’s the victory, is when people come back over and over and over again. So when you come to one of our retreats, what’s different about, an AMR retreat from, say, an educational conference or another women’s retreat that’s got speakers and organized meals and all that kind of stuff, is that ours are just completely freestyle.

And so everybody who shows up at these retreats is at a different place in their journey. They’ve got a different emotional need. They’ve got a different physical wellness decompression need. Some people are just very introverted anyway, and they’re not much on making friends, and some people just really need to have a couple glasses of wine and cry their eyeballs out.

We’ve got lots of boxes of tissues all over all of our inns because we know what’s coming. But while you’re there, there’s no organized activities. You have full access to our house anyway, so these are our two respite inns, so that you’ve got a full kitchen and the whole use of the whole property and you’re just sharing the kitchen.

Everybody’s got their own private sleeping space. There’s no set time that you have to be up for breakfast. Everything’s on your own. You don’t have to join in. Some of the ladies like to go have dinner together one or two nights, and some ladies just don’t want to do it. And that’s totally cool.

There’s no expectation of you to do anything. And so that’s really what makes our retreats so much different than other women’s retreats even or health retreats. I mean, it’s truly about physiological and mental decompression.

Ali: Yeah. It  just sounds like it is. You mentioned “without expectations.”

Like there are always constant expectations if you’re in that position. I mean, there’s probably even expectations of you when you’re on your retreat, from other people.

Andrea: I would say that’s very true. I mean, expectations, at least from my side: I expect you not to smoke in the house.

I expect you to strip your bed when you’re done. But there’s very few house rules. The other part of that too is that we’re very communicative and descriptive in our welcoming email when we say to people, “Hey, it’s your time for you to show up for your retreat. This is the house door code. These are the house rules.”

Here’s the most important part: don’t knock on somebody’s door just because you haven’t seen her in two days. Keep it quiet after 10 o’clock. You know, no frat parties. Have a few drinks, but don’t get loud. People are there to rest and just to be.

Acknowledge that and respect that for other people.

Ali: So you mentioned two respite inns in the U.S., but you’ve also partnered with several other locations, is that right?

Andrea: Yes. So we have a national network of bed and breakfast partners. So these are retail regular business B&Bs all over the country that have partnered with us in our program called The Porch Partners.

For me, having a front porch to sit on is like the most relaxing place to be ever, just to sit and watch the world go by, but not have to engage in it. So that’s where that name came from. But we have 40 partners right now all over the country. We’ve got a lot of holes in service, especially in a lot of rural areas and out in the upper northwest.

But right now we are two respite inns that are open year round exclusively for these parents and caregivers are located in Maryland and in North Georgia. We are in the very beginning stages of trying to get a new property in South Carolina, central South Carolina here where I live. I hope to get that message out to folks, anybody who’s interested in participating, in planning with that and helping to fund that.

That’s how we reach so many families. We right now are supporting over 2000 caregivers a year.

Ali: Wow. That’s impressive. I have read several of the reviews online too. People seem very, very happy about these.

Andrea: That’s very meaningful to me too, to be able to read those too.

It’s not only just to share them because A Mother’s Rest is like my baby, my spirit, that I’m building. So it’s a very personal thing for me to hear that everybody is enjoying it and getting as much out of it as I hoped that they would and plan for them to. So that’s very meaningful for me.

Ali: Speaking of that, can you get into a little bit about some of the communities that you’ve seen develop during these retreats?

Andrea: You mean the friendships? Oh yeah. So that’s the best part. I think for me, that’s the victory, is number one, get people in the car so that they show up for their first retreat.

And every once in a while, I’d say pretty often though actually, people are coming together on retreat quite randomly. They happen to make really strong friendships, like they really connect on lots of different issues, not just that their children are both disabled, but that they have the same political leanings or they have the same faith.

Or they just have the same common interests, things that they like to do, and they become friends outside of A Mother’s Rest, and then they all start making their own trips together on their own. Then a lot of times they don’t come on AMR retreats anymore because they’ve found their tribe and they’ve created this tribe and they’re off doing their own thing.

For me, that’s the victory. Like, if I don’t see you anymore, then that means that you’re good and you’ve taken things into your own hands and you’re managing it. You don’t need me anymore. And I don’t mean that to say that the people, the moms who do still come frequently, that I see them differently, but it’s a different kind of victory when people find their own tribe, and that inspires them and motivates them to get away together.

And that they find community and they’re just not in it alone. When they go home to their own house and their life, they don’t feel alone because they’ve got this really tight-knit group of ladies that they have befriended.

So I love that. I love it when that happens.

Ali: You mentioned the first battle being just getting them in the car and getting them to the retreat. Can you speak a little bit about the barriers that special needs parents run into when they want to get away for a bit?

Andrea: You know, as far in my mind and what I’ve experienced over the last eight years and in leading up to this and planning it, is that there are three major things.

The first is lack of coverage for your loved one. So that is a challenge that most families face and especially for single moms or people who live far away from their extended family. They just don’t have anybody or their child is particularly difficult to handle. They don’t have a respite provider, like a caregiver to come in to support them even when they’re home.

And then the next barrier is the financial barrier. And because getting away to a hotel for three nights is expensive. And even though that can sometimes help you just break a cycle where you’re just in a dark place and you need to remove yourself in an acute way. It’s not the same as being on retreat with other people who already understand you and you’ve got these built in, I don’t want to call them therapists, but people who already understand.

Because you can go to a therapist all day long, but if that therapist has never been through what you’re going through, it’s kind of, for me anyway, difficult to take actual advice from those individuals, that they are offering with the best of intentions. But like, I’m not gonna go to a therapist who has never raised a child with a disability because you have no possible concept of understanding really what I’m going through.

I’m not looking for tools to feel better about it. Okay? Because my life’s not going to change. It’s not going to change. So how can I cope? I can go on retreat, that’s what I’m gonna do. That’s what a lot of moms have done.

And then the third challenge is when our own anxiety, guilt, shame just gets in the way.

Like we’re so in need of this and we want to go. But then we say to ourselves, we talk in our own ear and we’re like, “Oh, people are gonna judge me if they think that I can’t handle it anymore. They’re going to think I don’t love my child anymore.” If I have to take a break or if I want a break, it’s even worse.

And what are people going to think? I mean, we get in our own way and so that’s the other thing. So that’s our hashtag: “get in the car.” So once I’ve created an opportunity that’s affordable for you and it’s close enough to home that you can actually drive, then I just have to work through your guilt and shame and then #getinthecare.

Then once they do that, I don’t have to drag them anymore because they get it and a lot of times they’ll come on these retreats and they just don’t even realize just how much they needed it. They’re doing it because their friends suggested that they try it and they didn’t know what to expect.

But when you go read through those testimonials, you see a whole lot of that. I had no idea how much I needed this and how much I would like it, and I’ll be back. I can’t wait for the next one. So the lack of childcare, the cost, and our own head. #getinthecar

I use it all the time and they laugh at me. But I mean, I’m trying to be lighthearted and fun with them, but I can’t tell you how many moms have actually registered for a retreat, been in the car on their way, and turned around and went home. I can’t even tell you. Like a hundred at least in eight years. It’s heart wrenching.

I hate it when that happens, but I’m not judging anybody when it does, but we’re trying so hard to give you every reason to not deny yourself the opportunity to be here with us.

Ali: It also feels a little bit like your mothering the mothers for just a second, like, get in the car, go.

Andrea: And I have to sometimes, but I think that it works for them.

Because they know that I’m one of them. I’m not just an executive director that was hired to run a nonprofit. I’m not a professional fundraiser. I’m just a mom like them who gets them and understands what we really need. And that’s a lack of structure. They need just enough structure, just enough planning to take advantage of it.

And that’s what I provide is the planning. It’s hard. I get it. It’s not that easy just to get in the car, but the mental part of getting in the car is really what I’m talking about.

Ali: Plus, if you did all of that upfront planning in order to get in the car, I think it would be really upsetting to watch somebody who’s already done all the work and jumped through all the hoops, not go.

Andrea: Yeah, it’s so hard. It’s so hard. But I can say though, that without question, all of those people have given it another try, and then they made it. They made it, and then they knew I was right. They know. So I do sometimes feel like a parent, the one who knows better for you than you know for yourself.

And, again, my situation is unique in leading this organization because I get it, I understand you from every level. The adoptive moms, the bio moms, the people caring for their ill parents. Like I get it, I get it.

So there’s really nothing that anybody can throw at me that is going to really upset me or make me judge you, I think I’m pretty easy to work with, but maybe not, I don’t know. I think that I’m pretty lax, but maybe not. I don’t know.

Ali: Alright. So these retreats aren’t just for special needs moms. Can you describe some of the different ones that you’ve hosted and how they’ve gone?

Andrea: Absolutely. So even though it’s called A Mother’s Rest, and I would say probably 80% of our guests are special needs parents, so moms and dads, we do dad’s retreats. That’s called the Atlas Club because they’re carrying the world on their shoulders. That’s where that came from. We also welcome all adoptive parents, so whether or not they have a disability, like a diagnosis or not.

That’s a whole other ball of wax that bio parents just don’t get. And there’s so much more that comes along with even foster care. So all of those parents are welcome to join us and we do host adoptive only retreats, but they’re welcome in any of the general women’s retreats.

We host the dads. We also host spouses or women who are providing care to their wounded warriors, or if their husbands or wives have been in car accidents or they’re dealing with long-term cancer, battling cancer. Anything, it’s really I would say a very broad brush as to who’s eligible to participate.

But the other group of people are those who are caring for their own parents at home. So if your parents are living with you and they’re aging and you know, dealing with the challenges of aging and mobility and health, whatever, then you’re welcome to come for that too. Men and women.

We also do couples retreats. We do family retreats every once in a while, sometimes at least once a year. And then we also do something special called Mommy and Me, which is for the special needs moms and their non-disabled children to have special one-on-one time away because a lot of times our typical children, for lack of a better term, get set aside to the back burner because the child with the extra needs has extra needs and that’s just where things get separated.

And so it’s important to me and it has been important to me as a parent to another son who is not disabled, to make a lot of time and effort to go be with him one-on-one. That’s kind of where that whole program came from, is just my value in doing that with my son.

And it’s been very well received. We host most of those Mommy and Me retreats at the Jekyll Island Georgia Resort. And that’s just been a very cherished time for those families to get away.

Ali: I think that’s incredibly important, to give each one of your children sort of that time. And I can see how a child with a sibling who might have a disability, would feel left behind even if it wasn’t the parent’s intention

Andrea: And those particular trips are so special, not just for the time with their mom, but because it is a large group of people, our families that are there at the same time.

And those kids, those children befriend other kids who also have siblings with disabilities. And so that’s just a whole different level of connection that’s so valuable to those kids. So, we have a lot of repeat Mommy and Me families that come.

Ali:I just love the community building at these retreats.

I think it’s hard enough, for kids like this, but also for just adults. It’s just hard enough for adults to make friends.

Andrea: Even if you can’t, it’s very natural and organic too. So that’s, again, like they’re completely freestyle. You’re there on your own. Do what you want, when you want. Engage.

If you don’t want to, don’t engage. But those friendships and that therapeutic fellowship is what I like to call it, is very organic.

Ali: Just to end this, how does one become a Porch Partner and how does one sign up for respite?

Andrea: So, to be a Porch Partner is pretty easy. Any B&B owner can contact me through our Porch Partner program that’s on our website.

What we request from them is a Friday to Monday. That’s the best time for our families to get away. Sometimes some moms can do midweek, and some partners provide a lot of weekends through the year, just depending on what their season looks like. We can try midweek, but mostly it’s Friday to Monday, and what we request, the price point for our families is about $55 or $60 a night per guest, which is markedly less expensive than most B&B do.

But the majority of our bed and breakfasts are seasonal. So we have a number of bench partners whose busiest time is in the summertime, and they provide lots of weekends for us in the fall and winter. So that works out really nicely.

But, any Airbnb partner, and we also expanded now into VRBOSs. So anybody who might have their own private rental property that they put up for Airbnb or whatever, if you’ve got more than five bedrooms and four baths, five, four is what we’re looking for or more We would love to hear from you.

We would love to hear from you because there’s so many more VRBO properties out there than there are actual beds and we can fill in a lot of holes in spaces in the country that we don’t have coverage yet. So yeah, please reach out to me, through the Porch Partner Program and we would love to. And as far as signing up for your own respite retreat, we have one page on our website.

It’s a mothers rest.org/event calendar. And on that page you can scroll through by state and date, and see exactly what we’ve got on the schedule. And it does change through the year because we get new retreats that are offered by the. Partners, and we add those as they, as they’re offered. But that’s where you can see the most solid picture of everything that we’ve got coming up.

Ali: Perfect. All right. So do you have any final words of wisdom for special needs parents?

Andrea: I value and appreciate so much the moms who have been with us from the beginning. And weren’t quite sure what my vision really was, but they’ve been with me the whole time. And when I say with me, I mean with A Mother’s Rest and benefiting from A Mother’s Rest all this time.

And they have become ambassadors for other other families because you’d be surprised, like even with 12,000 people in our Facebook group, how many moms we haven’t reached yet. So I appreciate those folks and so much, and I’m looking very much forward to meeting new families and being able to support you in ways that you don’t even realize that you need.